I have been avoiding Christmas for a long time now. I mean, I have been planning and doing everything necessary for Christmas, but almost in a way to avoid it. I don't want to think about it. But every day it's been getting harder. My heart aches even more, and I didn't really think that was possible. But I can no longer avoid it, and it sucks.

I remember Christmas Eve was especially full of Grandpa. It would start with the traditional Swedish feast he and grandma loved so much (chock full of Pickled Pigs feet, all those other foods we couldn't pronounce and wouldn't eat, or the "knickabread?" that we would eat). Then for desert we would have the rice pudding with the hidden nut where the winner would get a prize. I remember for years I would rapidly search for the nut and then barely eat the pudding.

But what I remember the most was when "Santa" would drop off a gift for everyone on his way to the other houses. I could clearly remember hearing the ring of the doorbell and feeling so excited when I would get to touch the cold bag and gifts. As we got older, it became more fun as we would notice the "little" nuances, like the garage door going up and down shortly before and after the doorbell. Or how one year Aunt Audree's gifts made it into Santas bag, or even how Santa got ahold of grandmas monogrammed pillowcases! =)

We used to go shopping with grandpa right before Christmas and help him get grandma's gifts. I think he just wanted to spend time with his granddaughters though because he always ended up getting grandma the same things-that perfume and something from the Disney Store. I remember grandpa sitting next to me when I opened my first bra, and how horrified he became!

We were so happy and they were such a huge part of that. They were such a consistent presence of our Christmas mornings and those mornings were always full of laughs, love and joy. I think of my girls on Christmas and how excited they are for Christmas and how they look forward to it. I try to be excited for them, but it's just not the same. My heart still hurts more than I can describe......