Hurting

I mowed the lawn today. He taught me how to do that - how to make the lines by going around like a square. How to step away from it when going backwards so if I slip I wouldn't get my foot caught under the mower. So much of who I am can somehow be correlated with him. And although it was unspoken, I hurt to know that I never told him that.

I can't even get to the fond memories part because it still hurts. I went 30 years never losing anyone I was really close to and then I feel like I was smacked into reality. I was lucky to have them so long, and took it for granted. So many stories and memories - and right now all they bring is more pain.

And now he's gone. And I know he's in a better place. I know he's happier than I can even imagine. But I'm being selfish. It hurts that he won't see my girls grow up. It hurts that he won't ever put his arms around me in that big bear hug that always made us feel so safe. And it hurts that I can never again hear his laugh that was so happy and jotful and full of life. I'm selfish and I don't want to go without him here.

He was my dad. And once again we are left alone. We are hurting and I know that is the last thing in the world he wants us to feel. The dream Lisa wrote about made my heart ache even more. Because I could close my eyes and see what she saw in that dream. And I want to see it. I want to hear him say that he's okay - that both of my grandparents are now able to watch out for us and see us and our families grow. But I'm left alone......And so so sad.